I used to think the self-deprecating things I said out loud were harmless. Unpleasant, maybe—even awkward for others to hear—but still harmless.
“How stupid can you be?” I’d mutter when I made a mistake.
A typo in an already-sent email? “What an idiot.”
Sometimes I’d just throw labels at myself: “Lame.” “Hopeless.” “F—ed up.”
To me, these were just thoughts, feelings, self-assessments that seemed true enough. Familiar, habitual. I didn’t realize that every time I said them, I was keeping my shame alive. I didn’t know these weren’t neutral observations—they were inherited falsehoods I had unknowingly memorized and repeated. I thought they were truths.
They weren’t. They were shame-speak.
This is just one example of the unconscious habits that keep us from healing the pain we’ve carried since childhood. These patterns may seem small, but they are powerful. They stand in the way of our recovery. I know, because I lived it.
The truth is, while our deepest wounds happened in the past, many of us unknowingly keep them open and raw. We were hurt by what happened then, but we often continue to suffer because of what we’re doing now. It’s not just the trauma from our past—it’s the way we re-trigger it, again and again, without realizing it.
In this series, I’ll be exploring six toxic habits that quietly block healing and keep us trapped in cycles of shame and self-blame. These patterns are subtle. Often invisible. But they’re incredibly destructive.
Let’s begin with one of the most common—and damaging—of all:
Habit #1: Speaking Shame-Speak
What is shame-speak? It’s the language of toxic shame that echoes in our minds. It’s the ventriloquist that borrows our voice and speaks with authority. It’s so familiar, we mistake it for truth. We mistake it for ourselves.
It sounds like this:
- “How stupid can you be?”
- “You’re disgusting.”
- “You’re totally f—ed up.”
- “You’re so broken—who could ever love you?”
- “You’re too emotional.”
- “You’re too needy.”
- “You talk too much.”
- “You’re not cute enough, thin enough, pretty enough…”
These aren’t just random thoughts. They are internalized shame narratives—the toxic scripts we absorbed long ago. They have nothing to do with who we truly are. But we repeat them as if they’re facts. We believe them. And this is how the damage begins.
Here’s what’s important to understand: our minds don’t distinguish between something someone else says to us and something we say to ourselves. So when you hear yourself say, “I’m such a loser,” your brain processes it like an external truth. And, just like when you were a child, you believe it.
Even as an adult, if I called someone by the wrong name, I’d immediately shame myself. “Stupid.” Not once did I question that judgment. I honestly thought only someone stupid would do that. Not once did I argue with it. I just accepted it.
In Bruised Not Broken, I wrote:
“The wounding inflicted by these mindless phrases is so lacerating that it is like severing an emotional artery.”
That’s how serious shame-speak is. If we want to heal, we have to stop the bleeding. No one else can do this for us.
Have you noticed how calling yourself “hopeless” feels? Deflating, painful, sad. And even when someone tries to reassure you, it makes no difference? That’s because this is an inside job. It’s not about convincing your logical brain that you’re okay. In a future article we’ll explore what can move the needle, but for now, it’s about refusing to keep repeating words that wound.
How to Break the Habit of Shame-Speak
No one else can do this work for us. But we do have the power to stop this self-betrayal. Here’s how:
- Notice the Shame Language You Use
What shame-speak do you say to yourself? You’ve probably said these things to yourself a thousand times without flinching—because on some level, you believed them. They may not even catch your attention, because they don’t feel untrue or insulting—they just feel normal. You have to stay vigilant and listen for them. Awareness of what you are saying is the critical first step. (When I first started this practice, I invited my spouse to help me become more aware by pointing out when I said these poisonous things. I was astonished by how often and unaware I was!) - Decide to Stop
Make a clear, firm decision. You wouldn’t let a stranger talk to you like this—so why allow it from yourself? Repeating these phrases is like living with a bully who never leaves the room. And remember this critical truth, your emotional mind does not differentiate between what you say to yourself and what an outside person says to you. That’s important to remember: your emotional brain responds to your own words just like it did to others’ cruelty. - Acknowledge That These Words Are Not Harmless
They’re not just “thoughts.” They’re knives. They wound. They reinforce the very beliefs that keep you stuck in shame. - Be Vigilant.
Interrupt the Pattern. When you catch yourself about to say something cruel, stop. That’s all you need to do for now. Just interrupt the cycle. Later, you’ll learn how to challenge and replace these thoughts with something more truthful—and more compassionate. For now, focus on breaking the habit. It’s like nail biting: you first notice the finger in your mouth, then stop. Only later, if you choose, do you explore what’s triggering the urge.
But Won’t These Thoughts Just Go Away When I’m Healed?
Maybe. But if they’re self-wounding, they keep re-opening the very wounds you’re trying to heal.
Every time you call yourself stupid or worthless, you’re reinforcing the wound. You may no longer live with the people who hurt you—but if you’re repeating their words, you’re still hurting yourself. You are now the offender. You are carrying on the horrible shaming.
Ask yourself: How do I feel after I insult myself?
Even if the words come out of frustration or self-disappointment, the result is the same: Shame. Sadness. Emotional deflation. How can you build self-esteem when you’re tearing yourself down from the inside?
That’s not healing.
That’s re-wounding.
We cannot wait until all of our mind is certain that we are not hopelessly stupid, broken, unworthy….. We may wait forever. From a neurological perspective, we have to actively intervene to stop reflexively activating the familiar thought patterns.
The healing begins when we choose to end the cycle. We cannot build our self-esteem until we stop tearing ourselves down.
Of course, we did not realize we were doing this—we just thought we were accepting and repeating truths about ourselves. This is far from the truth.
Every time you catch and stop shame-speak, you reclaim your right to have the freedom to build a correct and true self-image. You reclaim your God given dignity and begin to dismantle the toxic lies you were taught to believe.
It takes courage to wake up to how we have habitually been working for shame. It takes becoming aware of how we keep ourselves small and apologizing for who we are. How many times do you say, “I’m sorry.”
This is a worthy and important effort. This world, your family and community need you to be free of the shame that holds you back, that diminishes the light and love within you. Begin with becoming aware and stopping your shame-speak.
If you’d like to explore this in more depth, there’s lots more in Bruised Not Broken.
Coming Next:
In the next article, we’ll explore Habit #2: The Poison of Believing You’re Broken, Unworthy, and Unlovable—and how to challenge these shame-based beliefs with truth and compassion.