Let’s talk about self-compassion because, let’s face it, we could all use a little more love in our lives and self-compassion is a form of love. I used to think that love only came from outside sources—you know, like romantic partners or friends. But it wasn’t until I was knee-deep in research for Bruised Not Broken, which explores the healing power of self-compassion, that I realized the most potent form of love is actually self-compassion.
For those raised in a healthy environment it begins naturally with their parents’ love. Let me share an example: I’ll never forget the time I saw my neighbor swoop in to comfort her young son after he took a nasty fall from a sidewalk railing he was climbing on. Over and over, I heard her comforting him, never once hinting that he should have been more careful or downplaying the pain of his fall. It was a touching display of compassion, and it got me thinking – kids who receive this kind of compassion from their parents are genuinely equipped with an invaluable tool. They’ll carry this ability to extend kindness and self-compassion to themselves throughout their lives, and that’s truly something special.
But for the rest of us who would have been scolded, or told to stop our crying, or ignored, or sent to our room because we had been warned — how do we give ourselves this much-needed love? Well, first things first— it’s a conscious decision. You can’t just expect it to magically appear (I’ve tried, but it doesn’t work). To get started, STOP the next time you catch yourself in a spiral of self-criticism. You’ve got a choice to make – keep on the path of self-judgment and despair or take a detour towards self-compassion. Spoiler alert: choose the detour.
But how do you actually do it? Whether we’ve made a mistake or someone has hurt you, start by acknowledging that you are really hurting. Give yourself all the comforting words and reassurance you can muster. Pretend you’re talking to your best friend, or if that’s too hard, imagine you’re comforting a scared puppy – because who can resist comforting a puppy, right? You can also try writing a compassionate letter to yourself, or engaging in self-care activities that make you feel loved and nurtured.
Now, here’s where it gets tricky. Your shame-saturated mind, which is constantly recycling words of unworthiness and self-criticism, might try to play some tricks on you. It might say, “You don’t deserve compassion. You’re a mess.” But don’t listen to that negativity! You always deserve love and compassion; it comes with being alive. Too often, self-compassion is mistakenly connected to deserving; it’s not about what we deserve, but we must intentionally choose to give it to ourselves.
The next time when you find yourself in the grip of self-condemnation, it’s time to stand up to shame. Declare, ‘I’m a human being and I’m not perfect but I choose to show myself compassion.’ I remember the first time I did this, standing my ground against shame, even though I didn’t fully understand it was shame then. That understanding would come later. But in that moment, I was taking a stand, and you can too.
Start standing up to shame and give yourself the comfort and soothing my neighbor gave her young son (even though she had told him multiple times to stay off the railing); she gave him all the comfort he needed when he fell. Do this for yourself and see your feelings about yourself begin to change. Experience firsthand the power of self-compassion.