Many people do not identify with the word trauma. You may be one of them. You may think your childhood was less than optimal, but not traumatic. If that’s you, read on.
When really bad things happen, we all acknowledge this as traumatic: physical abuse and punishment like spanking or beating, sexual abuse, neglect or abuse from an addicted parent, reoccurring domestic violence, blatant emotional abuse, violence or war, and the death of a primary caretaker —this is Trauma with a capital “T.”
However, in recent decades, professionals have acknowledged that adults who have not experienced such terrible abuse, nonetheless, showed symptoms indicating deep emotional wounding. What could account for this? Researchers began to slowly realize the importance of emotional safety and reliable emotional connections with a primary adult. When this was absent or unreliable, because of emotional deprivation or emotional neglect, people had symptoms resembling those who had been blatantly Traumatized. What the researchers found was that emotional deprivation-neglect interferes with healthy emotional development, brain development, nervous system regulation, relationship connections, parenting behaviors, community participation, and that may be just the beginning. It can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD, and some personality disorders. This is trauma with a little “t.” In “Bruised Not Broken,” I call this “the shame and wounding of what was missing.”
Emotional nourishment is not just important, it’s vital. Understanding its significance can empower you to make positive changes in your life and relationships.
Just as children need physical nourishment, children, beginning at birth, need emotional nourishment, and like food, if they don’t get it, they suffer. Trauma with a little “t” happens when a child doesn’t get their emotional needs for a safe, loving, consistent, emotional connection met. We know this because they suffer from depression, anxiety, mistrust, social isolation, acting out, and other indicators that they are in emotional pain.
So, what constitutes emotional nourishment for a child? Several vital things happen when children are distressed, and their parents hold and comfort them. First, the child is learning to modulate her emotions, to go from feeling emotionally out of control to becoming safely calm. This may seem like no big deal, but let me ask you: How many times have you prayed for calm when you felt uncontrollably upset? How many times have you used substances or self-harm to seek to calm yourself?
A child who learns how to calm herself in healthy, safe ways has an invaluable inheritance. How does this happen? By hearing her parent’s comforting words and soft sounds, her nervous system senses safety and begins to calm down. Her heartbeat and breathing slowly start to match those of the comforting parent. The child also absorbs the words and phrases the parent tells the child. “You’re ok; I’m here for you; everything’s going to be ok; there there there —you’re ok.” These soothing words will be the words the adult child will draw on in the future when she needs comfort and soothing. She will instinctively say them to herself as she also remembers the bodily sensations of calming, her heart calming, and finally coming to a quiet, safe resting place within herself.
Second, with repeated experiences of reliable responsiveness and safe comforting with her parent, these experiences will later become the template through which she will view the trustworthiness and desirability of all future relationships. Think about this. Suppose your parent reliably picked you up or held you in their arms as a toddler, or as a youngster when you fell off your bike, or in middle school when your best friend turned on you, or you fell in love with someone who was only using you—if you were comforted and felt safe expressing your hurt and pain, you will know in your brain and body that others will be there to comfort and help you when bad things happen. This confidence in the trustworthiness of others will be with you throughout the remainder of your life. You will not feel alone. How important is that!
What do you do when you’re troubled?
Take a minute and reflect on your beliefs about what to expect when you are distressed or in trouble. Do you believe that when you need others, they will be there for you? Was that your experience? Or do you mainly think you are on your own? Do you worry that asking someone for help, even a close friend, will inconvenience them? Why do you have these feelings? Is it because something is wrong with you? NO. Although it may seem obvious that we all need comfort when troubled, many infants, children, and adolescents are left alone to deal with their pain and distress when upset. When they need reassurance, they are instead scolded, mocked, or threatened—no wonder you may feel unsafe reaching out to others when you feel raw and vulnerable.
For a child to feel safe and connected to others, they need unconditional love. What is that? Unconditional love means that while their parents may sometimes be unhappy or angry with them, that parent loves them and is an ally in times of need. This is unconditional love. And when we cannot rely on that unwavering love, despite our behaviors, we suffer, and that suffering is trauma with a little t.
Repair and healing
How can we ever heal if our troubled childhood was traumatic? Trauma means to be wounded, not broken, and how we heal that wound can be similar to how we heal from a physical wound. First, we identify the wound. As you read the previous descriptions of wounding, what thoughts did you have about your own experiences growing up?
What was true for me personally, and as a therapist who has worked with many clients, was that we did not have comforting words or phrases to tell ourselves when we were hurt, troubled, or in pain because no one reliable said them to us. We did not get the inheritance of a soothing and safe connection to a reliable, kind parent.
Here’s one thing you can do about this. In other posts, we will discuss other healing actions that are healing balms, but here is one of the most essential. Make it a priority to learn how to comfort and soothe yourself. To do so, make a conscious effort to collect and hold on to words and phrases that you hear or read that are comforting to you. You may hear them in a movie dialogue you watch. Perhaps a friend will say them to you, or maybe you told them to your children, but don’t say them to yourself. You may notice a phrase or words that jump out at you when you’re reading something inspiring. WHATEVER it is, and wherever they come from, these words are GOLD. Collect them. Write them down. And the next time you’re distressed, pull those words out and say them to yourself. Memorize them. Say them over and over again to yourself just like a loving parent would say them to a child they loved and cherished. That child is you.
Do you have comments you’d like to share? I’d love to hear from you.